He's just not that into you (sorry)...

Attention ladies!

I'm going to make this one short and sweet.

If a guy likes you, he will make it known.  He will make effort to communicate with you.  He will flat out tell you. He will introduce you to his friends and family as his partner.  He will make sure you are okay.

Men are simple.  Take what they say and do at face value.  If they are not doing what I mentioned above, I'm sorry, he's not that into you.  Plain and simple.  No need for further analysis.

Another thing, men will do to you what you allow them to do.  If you don't like something they say or do, shut it down early.  If they continue, cut them loose.  Men will only change for the woman they know in their heart is the woman for them.  If a man is not trying to improve your relationship, he's just not that into you.

Unreciprocated feelings are the worst however they are like all other emotions:  they come and go if you do not hold them hostage.  It's going to feel like crap for a (long) while but it will pass.  Just remember that you deserve someone who will love all of you, treat you right and not string you along.

Never settle for less.

Take care,
Kimmy

Now Live on Infobarrel!

I wrote an article for InfoBarrel and it's been live since yesterday!  I was so happy when I found out I almost started crying...I'm a wussy I know lol. The blog is at 90 views now so that's exciting too!  Can we get to 100 by my birthday on Wednesday??  We shall see!

Here's a link to the article.

http://www.infobarrel.com/Getting_Started_on_Online_Dating

Comment and let me know what you guys think!

Have a great rest of the weekend!

Take care,
-Kimmy

Fighting Over a Man/Woman

Getting into it with another person over a man/woman is the dumbest thing ever because it's pointless to fight for someone who was never yours or who does not want to be yours because if they did, there wouldn't be another person in the picture in the first place...PERIOD! If someone wants to fully commit to you they will not consider anyone else so if there are other people, your potential partner doesn't want to commit to you. Talk is cheap, actions speak volumes! If that person doesnt see you as the person for them you need to let them go...don't bring yourself down to the drama of fighting over anyone! Work on being a better person and bide your time until the person you don't have to fight for comes along.

That is all...

Take care,
-Kimmy

Cheaters...

Why do people cheat? Well, for many reasons...most of the time it's because one partner is not getting what they want/need in the relationship due to of lack of communication. There are some people who are just bad seeds. Despite the why, being cheated on sucks. It sucks because the trust is broken and with STDs running rampid and becoming more difficult to treat, it's also a health issue.

If you been cheated on, the first thing you need to do is get checked out for STDs. Use condoms everytime you have sex until you get the all clear from the doctor. After you take care of the medical, you have to decide whether you want to forgive your cheating partner. If you decide to end the relationship, that's okay. If you decide to continue to remain in the relationship, that's perfectly fine too as long as you and your partner commit to communicating and working on what's wrong in the relationship. Go to couple's therapy if you need help with that. In addition as much as you want to, don't ask for details of the affair or the other person. That has nothing to do with your relationship and details do more harm than good. Although you have been wronged, you have to work on forgiving your cheating partner for YOU! Holding in resentment or taking in out on people who don't deserve it does much more harm than good and life is too short to have such negative feelings boiling within.

If you're the cheater, after you've been tested for STDs and ended all communication with the other person (phone, text, Facebook, and Twitter), you need to decide if you want to be in the main relationship in the first place. You need to think long and hard about this because it is not good to drag someone along in something you're not going to put 100% in. If you want to end the relationship, that's fine. If you want to continue the relationship, you need to tell your partner what you were not getting in the relationship or what caused them to stray and what you need to tell them what they need to do to satisfy that. If the other partner is unable or unwilling to give you what you need, the relationship needs to be ended. You may also need to so some soulsearching if what you want or need cannot be fulfilled by another person (i.e
Mom/Dad issues). A therapist can help you wifh personal issues if need be. Don't expect forgiveness and trust within a short period of time. You may never be forgiven or trusted again and you must accept that because it's the other person's right to give you that privlege and you MUST EARN IT BACK!

If you're thinking about cheating, you need to do one of two things, tell your partner what you are unhappy about and give them the opportunity to fix it or end the relationship (for good) and find what you're looking for. You cannot have your cake and eat it too.

I hope this post helps people in this situation...

Take care,
-Kimmy

Love is in the air: Why stay in a bad relationship?

One thing I learned in one of marriage and family therapy classes was "People stay in a relationship because they're getting something out of it."  I've found this statement to be very true.  Have you wondered why one of your friends hasn't left that loser or crazy person yet?  Well it's because they're getting something they value in return and it's enough to stay.  I've kept very bad friendships and relationships because the things I was getting out of them was good enough for me at that time...needless to say I'm no longer in those situations.

Are you in a bad relationship?  Think about friendships, family members, and colleagues when you answer this question.  Now, despite the drama, what are you getting out of the relationship?  Think long and hard about this question...you may have to dig deep.  The answer may make you feel crappy.  Remember, people remain in relationships because they're getting something out of it.  The next question is, can the thing that is keeping you in the drama be found somewhere else?  This is where you have to be honest with yourself.  If the answer is yes, what do you need to do to end the relationship and find the thing keeping you around somewhere else?  Again, think long and hard about this.  Write it down if you need to.  Then, take action!

Have you just gotten out of a crappy relationship or friendship?  It feels crappy and good at the same time doesn't it?  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise, moving on is a difficult process.  I mean this person was a very important to you and there were in your life for however long, you don't forget that overnight.  You're going to miss that person and doubt yourself but as time passes you'll see that things do get better, little by little, some days in tiny baby steps.  You have to stay strong and stick to your guns in keeping this person out of your life.  Remember in my earlier post just because you forgive someone's wrongdoings does not mean they remain a part on your life. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist if it seems too difficult to stay out of that bad relationship.

Remember that no relationship should have drama or make you feel bad about yourself in any way. 

Take care,
-Kimmy

Love is in the air: Online Dating

Valentine's Day can be hard for some people because they currently have no valentine or never had a valentine.  A lot of single people say that good men/women are hard to find.  It's partially true but you also have to know where to look.  One good place is the Internet.

The Internet!?  Yes! The Internet!  There are so many kinds of dating websites you can try...most let you look for free but you're going to have to pay if you want to communicate with them.  Some people may not want to pay but you're spending the same amount of money getting your hair and nails done, buying outfits to look your best, and paying for cover, food and drinks.  You might as well spend the money chatting on the online dating sites relaxing in the comfort and safety of your own home in your pajamas.  Your odds are the same either option you choose!

When you create your online profile, the most important thing is to be honest!  Tell them who you are...the real you...and put on there what kind of person you really want.  If you don't want a booty call, put it on there!  If you just want to make friends, put it on there!  Be specific in the type of person you want so that way if they truly read your profile ther are no surprises.  Please. please, PLEASE put an recent photo, BY YOURSELF on your profile even if you're a little on the heavy side or not on your A game at the moment...again, honesty is the best policy!  Then get yourself together and update your pictures accordingly.

Online dating may be a good idea for those who are shy, don't have the time or energy to go out to the bar/club, or aren't the clubbing type.  Although you're in the safety in your own home, you can still come across some psychos online so don't give out your phone number or home address until you've met them in person in a very public place preferrably while the sun is out.  If you have the bad feeling in your gut about someone, stop communicating with them online!  If you're with them in person, make up an excuse and leave!  Before you go out on your date, make sure you tell a trusted friend or family member where you're going and give them the other person's name and phone number so they can provide it to the police in case they don't hear from you after a certain time.  These rules are good ideas regardless of where you meet the person...trust your intuition!

In online dating, hell dating period, you win some and you lose some.  More likely than not you're not going to meet your soulmate the first day you're on the online dating site or with the first person you connect with online.  Use online dating as an opportunity to have fun and meet new great people. You may like it better than the bar scene!

Before you engage in online dating or any kind of dating, be sure you love yourself a lot and have come to terms with past relationships good or bad...baggage shows in online dating profiles and it's not cute.  If someone clearly has baggage, keep it moving!  For the love of baby Jesus DO NOT "SAVE" THEM!! Their issues are for them and their therapist to fix, not you.

Here are some sites to start:

http://www.match.com/
http://www.eharmony.com/
http://www.zoosk.com/
http://www.beyondblackwhite.com/ (if you're down with the swirl)
http://www.christianmingle.com/ (if you're on Team Jesus)
http://www.latinpeoplemeet.com/
http://www.blackpeoplemeet.com/

And Google is your friend...type in (whatever you want) dating sites and see where Google takes you!

With that said, sign up and start looking!  Have fun and be safe!

Take care,
-Kimmy

Love is in the air: Self love is the best love

Do you love yourself?  Well, how does one know that they love themselves? To answer that, ask yourself these questions:  Do you thing you're beautiful although you're not society's definition of beautiful?  Are you okay with your weight?  Do you think you're a good person?  Do you believe that you deserve good in your life?  Do you accept your faults?  Do you not take crap from people, especially in a relationship?  If you answered yes to any of these questions then I'd say you love yourself.

If you answered no to any of the above questions, maybe it's time to take a long look in the mirror and start working on what you don't like about yourself.  Some things you can change, i.e., your weight and some aspects of your personality...some things cannot be changed such as life experiences and anything genetics controlls.  If it is something you can change, get to work!  If there is something about yourself you don't like that is beyond your control, learn to accept and love that about yourself.  If you cannot do that on your own, a counselor or therapist can help you.

Why is it important to love yourself?  In the wise words of RuPaul, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell can you love somebody else?"  Loving yourself will protect you (in most cases) from bad relationships, friendships, and bad life decisions.  You'd probably stay away from using substances because you feel good anyway.  You won't use sex to feel good about yourself because you know that you need more than sex to be satisfied.  You're less likely to have bad people in your life because you know that you deserve good people in your life and drama doesn't do you any good.  If you love yourself, you won't settle for being the friend with benefits or the side chick.  You won't let your partner hurt you in any way:  physically, emotionally, psycholgically.  If you love yourself, you'll walk away even though it's going to hurt like hell for a long time.  Self love is the best shield from harm and drama.

This Valentine's Day, be your own Valentine regardless of your relationship status.  Make a commitment to love yourself and see how things change for the better in your life.

Take care,
-Kimmy

Friends with Benefits...bad idea...

I had to learn this one the hard way...

To make a long story short, it's a bad idea to have friends with benefits/ fuck buddies because here's what is going to happen:  one person is going to catch feelings and the other isn't going to reciprocate.  Ladies, men are capable of having sex without feelings.  They are programmed to work that way.  I don't know why...It is what it is.  If you choose to have a FWB/FB situation for whatever reason, your best bet to to make it a short-term deal 90-120 days tops (and PLEASE use protection!!). 

DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING MORE TO COME OUT OF THE ARRANGEMENT...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! 

Because a relationship is not going to bloom from it.  Ever.  Nope.  I can assure you 12 times out of 10 the other person has someone lined up to be their main partner.  They're just busting their nut, biding their time until they get the "boyfriend/girlfriend" title from the person they want to be with.  If you can't handle a FWB/FB psychologically or emotionally, don't do it...you're only setting yourself up for failure and the other person is NOT sweating you at all.

If you have a friend who you're considering making a FWB/FB arrangement with, ask yourself "Am I okay with losing this person as a friend?" if the answer is no, don't do it!  Good friends are hard to come by already don't lose one because you gotta get off. 

If you can keep it short and not develop feelings, FWB/FB may be for you however proceed with caution.  You may be worse off than how you were before when you were just horny.

Take care,
-Kimmy

The 90-day rule...

Do I have your attention?  Good!

I know a lot of people have heard of the 90-day rule from Steve Harvey's book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man.  A lot of people were like "That's messed up!" because let's face it, when it comes to sex people don't think rationally they just do.  That's why STIs are such a problem in the United States.  Well I think the 90-day rule is a good idea but not for the reasons Steve Harvey says...

All STIs including HIV show up on a STI/HIV test by three months once a person is exposed from unprotected sex.  With that said, once your new partner finishes their probation period, go to the clinic or doctor's office together and get tested!  If your partner refuses, you may want to run!  During the probation period (honestly, as soon as possible) it may be a good idea to talk to your partner about what means of contraception/protection you plan on using if and when you have sex.  It's much better to have the talk anytime other than the heat of the moment.  A wise man once told me "A hard penis has no conscience!"

Once you have figured out your safe sex plan, go shopping for condoms together.  There are way too many kinds, sizes, and shapes of condoms to not use one.  Buy different kinds and try them all out.  If your partner tells you that condoms hinder their performance, find some sex toys to enhance the experience.  Both of you learn about different sex techniques to maintain arousal.  It also helps to put a couple of drops of lubricant on the inside of the condom to increase sensitivity.  There are many ways safe sex can be pleasurable you just have to think outside of the box!

If you partner refuses to use protection, there are some things you need to think about.  What happens when you don't use protection?  Pregnancy! Are you and your partner ready to have a child?  Financially, mentally, and emotionally ready?  Are you where you want to be in life?  Are you and your partner in it for the long haul (and I mean ride or die)? If you answered no to any of these questions, it may be a good idea to reevaluate the contraception situation.  Ladies, you may need to think long and hard about your views on contraception. If your views on contraception contradict with your readiness to have a child, you may need to take a step back on sex until you are ready for what may happen in the event you get pregnant.  Another thing you have to think about are STIs.  Some STIs are curable, others are not.  Are you faithful to your partner?  Is your partner faithful to you? Can you keep up with the treatment of a curable STI? Can you deal with living with a STI that is not curable?  If you answered no to any of these questions, you may need to reevaluate your views on safe sex.  The fallout of an unplanned pregnancy and/or incurable STI is a heavy burden to bear.  I'm not here to preach to anyone about anything.  I just want you to think before you act.

If your partner refuses to practice safe sex, they are not thinking or caring about their own health and well being let alone yours.  I understand loving someone, trust me, but love can and will cloud your judgement.  If you're going to stick around, brace yourself for the possible consequences of your decision.  At least get tested regularly so you know what's going on with your body.

It's 2012 people!  There's a lot of bad people and things out there!  You gotta love and protect yourself in order to live the life you truly want to live!

Take care,
- Kimmy